The Battle of Loving...

When I decided to marry, it was quick and I knew it was the best decision I made all my life. Since then, my life changed, because I saw myself having a family or just the two of us, having our own home, waking up with someone you love, cooking for her and all of these happy moments.

I thought it would come true, until one day, I knew it would not be. Things have changed drastically, after all the things that happened, I feel pessimistic of relationships. I lost the trust in relationships, I lost trust in having a family of my own, I lost trust in myself to love someone else and vice versa.

I used to be happy when I was in a relationship, I had a goal to reach. Now I feel there is no point having a goal for the sake of relationship. I did even made a commitment to God of marrying, but I guess I may just stay single for the rest of my life.

I miss the feeling of holding someone's hand, kissing her on the cheeks, and hugging her to make her feel warm, but it's not only the warm and fuzzy feelings that matters. What is more important is when both of you are willing to take each others differences and weaknesses as positives, and if not both of you would crumble and your relationship will just turn into a warfare.

I have lost the urge to love, though I long for it. It's confusing, but I maybe happy for a moment, then I would think, I maybe left out and not loved. It would tear me apart again and would feel the pain of losing somebody you cared about. Maybe I was made not to love, but to just be me, alone.

Is my door closed? It's not... but I need to learn how to trust my heart to someone I would love. Maybe, just maybe there is someone who would do that... But there seems to be no one who can do that for me now. It's not about friendship, it's about having a family of my own. But....

So, in the end... I have lost the battle of loving.