Finding Family

This is why I don't like taking my leave because I feel I'm alone. I look for outlets but these are just temporary measures that can make me feel happy for a couple of hours. Then again, I would feel alone and unwanted looking for someone to be with me. 

It's not been an issue with me before of being alone and independent. I didn't feel at all homesick the moment I left our family to work abroad. I had this mentality that I can do it by myself and I proved it, until I questioned myself how happy I am with my life now.

I never learned to appreciate love and it was my parents who shared me all the love I learned. My dad who seldom shows his emotions to me showed me love in different ways. He would buy me things I never asked for, never did question my decisions I made in my life. He allowed me to be independent and think for myself. He taught me the importance of learning. He showed my how to be a good father. He showed me how a father must be tough through adversities in life when my mom passed away. I am sorry for not showing I love you, but I do. I am thankful for you for being the best dad I can possibly have. 

My mom who always show how she loves me through her kisses, cooked meals, ironed clothes and anything I asked for. I was spoiled by my mom, but I really never appreciate the love she gave me through the years. She carried me in her womb and on her arms. She embraced me to make me feel secure, she comforted me to make me feel being loved, she kissed me to make me feel alive. She showed me the love of a mother to her kids. But, she left us and I still hope that she is still with me and our family. I am sorry for not showing I love you, but I do. I am thankful for you for being the best mom I can possibly have.

I learned to love someone outside from my family. I thought she would be the one for me, but it was never been and will never be. My cries have fallen to deaf ears, my pleas have all been rejected. There is nothing else I can do now. Nothing can change the fact that I am impatient and I don't like waiting at all. There is no point for doing all of what I have been doing, when it will lead to nothing. Until when I see myself settle down with someone, I would feel lost, unwanted, and unloved. Now, are just patches to the holes of an empty heart and are not stitches that bind my heart to completely to love again. 

Now, being alone in a place that I can never call my home, it is difficult. I need to learn the culture, the lifestyle, the language, the mentality, but then again, why would I need to learn all these things when it is not my home. I need to be out of the country to survive for myself. I know my family is back there in our home and they have their own families and lives already. Left is me. Alone. I might just grow old alone when I finish my work in here, then I'll be back where my home is. 

Finally, there is no point of growing old when you feel no one would be able to take care of you, when you are on your death bed. I just hope I can sleep peacefully and be with my mom.