Hate!

I had this idea of just not giving a f*** about it. I had all these frustration and anger every single day for the last 3 years. No one actually knows this until now and I just found it amusing that I can still hide it all these years.

Taking into account how I left a job that I pretty much like and now hating the job that I love doing. I hate it now because there is no more satisfaction for me in every day that comes. I hate it when there is no reason for me to continue. I earned what I wanted to become a few years ago and now, I'm back to zero.

Well, it was a stupid decision after all and it's my fault. I should have known better that my life is better elsewhere. I have been tricked to be in a place that I had no future in and all the laugh is on me. It's a win for you and a dreaded loss for me. 

One good thing about it, is that I managed one thing that I thought I would not be out of. But it's just a piece of a miserable junk I am in now. I had to basically waste all my efforts and hard work to nothing. I am just always down to nothing every month and I always blame myself why I let this happen, over and over again.

I don't know how true or are these all lies that I assume. My heart and mind tells me it's all lies from the moment I laid my hand out. Even on the in between are all lies that I can see and hear. I can't just find myself forgetting the lies, as I always see it every now and then. That is why I don't have the heart of forgiveness until now.

Finding my true self is hard when I talk only to myself about my problems. Well, looking to God is one thing. Praying is another, but why can't I seem to do it regularly. I came closer to You when I needed most help and You answered my prayers. But now, why is it seem so hard for me to ask for Your help. I still remember how it was to cry in front of You and asking for help and forgiveness. I just think I can't because I can't seem to forgive. 

I just want to end this by saying I want to be happy and I don't know how. I hate what I am in now and I want to get over it.