Envy

I always say I am happy to be alone, though sometimes it's the complete opposite. Now, as I work on my project there is no way for me not to talk to total strangers. One of the hardest part though is not that, but talking to people who I know, knowing that during our conversation I would be asked whether I am married already. I always laugh about it and talk about a few things about it to just clear the air for something else to discuss.

When family is the topic, I always shy away. I always feel inferior of the people I know about relationships and family. I feel sad at times when they tell me to get married. I tried to get married, but it was all gone, and now it's just me. When I see happy couples and families, I feel sad for myself, I ask myself sometimes when will I be happy as like that.

Was I born not be with someone? And to be strong and independent, taking care of myself rather than caring for someone else. I question at times that when I try, it's just not happening. For things that I have done with my life, with the career I took, I haven't figured out this one for myself.

I envy people at times who can just build a relationship that is meant to be forever. I envy the relationships that are so good to be true. The happiness of going somewhere with a family. I just wish I could have those feelings. I wish that I wouldn't be alone.