Christmas is Coming Again
In the last 9 years I have been away of the country, I have only spent 1 year of Christmas in the Philippines. Our family was not complete as my Nanay left us and it really never felt like Christmas. I'm sad because it was never really a happy Christmas for our family. Not a typical family who are close with each other, though I wanted it to be, but it will never be again.
I am scared when my Tatay is not here with us anymore. I don't know what will happen to our family. I am out here creating a name for myself, but alone. I have no other family than the family I have in the Philippines. Though I know I wanted this to be my life, but I don't want the feeling of emptiness in our family. I know it will never change anymore. I just lost hope.
As I am helping out Tatay, I just can't move forward on thinking that I can support another family if I would have one. People think it is easy for me to have my own family when in fact I am supporting my family. I am happy helping out Tatay, sending money to fulfill the expenses in our house, but I know it is not enough. I hope the other thing that I am paying will just end as soon as possible, but it would take another year to pay off.
I have been looking to moving out in my current place, I have been thinking of getting myself a car, but all of these would need money. I want to do something for my life, I want to travel and I just want to enjoy my life. It's just I can't do it right now. I want a family of my own, but then I don't have money for my own family.
Someone just told me today, that why I give gifts to my nephews and nieces that are expensive and why not the cheap ones only? I was stunned and I don't really know the answer. I just replied that I am that kind of an uncle to my nephews and nieces. In fact, it is not only about the price that I gave, I want to give them irregardless of the money, I just want them to feel loved and happiness, just the only thing I am not cheapskate to my nephews and nieces, but only to myself.
Christmas is just around the corner and I am here in another country again, alone and will be working for this year. I have never felt Christmas for a long time, it's been 9 years. I don't if it will change in the future, but I doubt that it will change.
I am scared when my Tatay is not here with us anymore. I don't know what will happen to our family. I am out here creating a name for myself, but alone. I have no other family than the family I have in the Philippines. Though I know I wanted this to be my life, but I don't want the feeling of emptiness in our family. I know it will never change anymore. I just lost hope.
As I am helping out Tatay, I just can't move forward on thinking that I can support another family if I would have one. People think it is easy for me to have my own family when in fact I am supporting my family. I am happy helping out Tatay, sending money to fulfill the expenses in our house, but I know it is not enough. I hope the other thing that I am paying will just end as soon as possible, but it would take another year to pay off.
I have been looking to moving out in my current place, I have been thinking of getting myself a car, but all of these would need money. I want to do something for my life, I want to travel and I just want to enjoy my life. It's just I can't do it right now. I want a family of my own, but then I don't have money for my own family.
Someone just told me today, that why I give gifts to my nephews and nieces that are expensive and why not the cheap ones only? I was stunned and I don't really know the answer. I just replied that I am that kind of an uncle to my nephews and nieces. In fact, it is not only about the price that I gave, I want to give them irregardless of the money, I just want them to feel loved and happiness, just the only thing I am not cheapskate to my nephews and nieces, but only to myself.
Christmas is just around the corner and I am here in another country again, alone and will be working for this year. I have never felt Christmas for a long time, it's been 9 years. I don't if it will change in the future, but I doubt that it will change.
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