When I Feel Alone

I always look for something to do when I'm alone, being online on my social media accounts, watching youtube videos and watching my favorite anime and tv shows online. But sometimes, when all is done I feel the hatred in my heart because of having no one in my life. I feel secured when I'm alone but there are times that I feel vulnerable and feel lonely. And usually my loneliness comes into the form of my past relationship. I moved on, I really did, but the anger is still there in my heart.

Only when I feel happy is when I had to share it with someone I am happy with. All my anger turns into happiness. But now, I have reserved myself to be single. I don't think I would move any further looking for someone in my life as I am glad to be single and remain to be one. When most people say for me to look for someone, I guess it's really not for me. I guess a married life is not for me.

I was ready. I was ready to get married and have a family, until I lost everything. I lost my job, worked in jobs that I hated to do, I sacrificed my happiness for someone who never even really care about me. I was wrong all along that her being my soulmate. I was wrong to have thought that she would love me as much as I do. Is it not enough to what I love doing for someone not knowing what would be the future would hold? In the end, I was left behind. Nowhere to go, stranded in a city, living a lie of happiness and lost my Mom. I experienced horrible things that she would never know. But what I know I still feel hatred in my life when she never loved me in return.

I hate myself thinking of this all the time, I hate the feeling of being betrayed and left behind, I hate the feeling of being talked about wrongly, I hate being the topic of being not true to my words. I was never trusted, I was degraded, I was hated. In the end, I was the one running around to please you, I was the one feeling sorry for the things that make you sad. But, I never was someone important to her. I was just someone who owes money to her. I already paid and soon it will end. And hopefully, my hatred will end when I pay my last month to her.